Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
