I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
