the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
