I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
