Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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