I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
