Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
