Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
