I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
