my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So squirting runs in the family.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
