She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
