the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
