Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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