he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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