I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
