My liver just broke up with me...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How does one acquire holy water?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
