my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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