But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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