he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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