i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
