i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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