I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
