Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
