Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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