I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Randomize
