We're facebook friends in real life
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
