Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Someone came in the potted fern
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
