Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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