The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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