I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
