Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
