it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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