I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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