we have pet lesbian snakes
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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