My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
