That's intense
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
