Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
