Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
