Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
