"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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