Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
