She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
