closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
