Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
