hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
