She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
