so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
