im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
