Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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