If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
