The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
