My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
